SolidRed

         A blonde teenager in Springfield, Ohio,

        wanting to earn some extra money for the summer,

        decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

        and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

        She went to the front door of the first house and asked

        the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

        "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,"

        he said, "How much will you charge me?"

        Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

        The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and

        everything she would need was in the garage.

        The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband,

        "Does she realize that our porch goes

        ALL the way around the house?"

        He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

        The wife replied, "You're right.

        I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes

        we've been getting by email lately."

        Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

        "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

        "Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over,

        so I gave it two coats."

        Impressed, the man reached into his pocket

        for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

        "And by the way, "the blonde added,

        "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

 
 
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
 "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million." Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

1.A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of green leaf lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the drunk's intuition, since I was indeed single.
I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.

Johnstown, PA (GlossyNews) - Local and state police scoured the hills outside rural Johnstown, Pennsylvania, after reports of three animal rights activists going missing after attempting to protest the wearing of leather at a large motorcycle gang rally this weekend. Two others, previously reported missing, were discovered by fast food workers "duct taped inside several fast food restaurant dumpsters," according to police officials.

"Something just went wrong," said a still visibly shaken organizer of the protest. "Something just went horribly, horribly, wrong." The organizer said a group of concerned animal rights activist groups, "growing tired of throwing fake blood and shouting profanities at older women wearing leather or fur coats," decided to protest the annual motorcycle club event "in a hope to show them our outrage at their wanton use of leather in their clothing and motor bike seats." "In fact," said the organizer, "motorcycle gangs are one of the biggest abusers of wearing leather, and we decided it was high time that we let them know that we disagree with them using it.ergo, they should stop."

 

According to witnesses, protesters arrived at the event in a vintage 1960's era Volkswagen van and began to pelt the gang members with balloons filled with red colored water, simulating blood, and shouting "you're murderers" to passers by.  This, evidently, is when the brouhaha began.

"They peed on me!!!" charged one activist. "They grabbed me, said I looked like I was French, started calling me 'La Trene', and duct taped me to a tree so they could pee on me all day!"

Still others claimed they were forced to eat hamburgers and hot dogs under duress.  Those who resisted were allegedly held down while several bikers "farted on their heads."

Police officials declined comments on any leads or arrests due to the ongoing nature of the investigation; however, organizers for the motorcycle club rally expressed "surprise" at the allegations.

"That's preposterous," said one high-ranking member of the biker organizing committee.  "We were having a party, and these people showed up and were very rude to us.  They threw things at us, called us names, and tried to ruin the entire event.  So, what did we do?  We invited them to the party!  What could be more friendly than that?  You know, just because we are all members of motorcycle clubs does not mean we do not care about inclusiveness. Personally, I think it shows a lack of character for them to be saying such nasty things about us after we bent over backwards to make them feel welcome."

 

When confronted with the allegations of force-feeding the activists meat, using them as ad hoc latrines, leaving them incapacitated in fast food restaurant dumpsters, and 'farting on their heads,' the organizer declined to comment in detail. "That's just our secret handshake," assured the organizer.